thinking

It's funny how sometimes I don't act as I think. I wish I could disappear into the time when I didn't overthink everything that I do. A time when I was naive and believed everything I heard. It was bliss.......but growing up and dealing with life on lifes terms is also a new way to go. I have a hard time letting go of people, places and things.

It's almost impossible if you have ever loved them. I love deeply, and romance passionately. I also act out innappropriately and my adolescence behavior overcomes me when sometimes I need to just be still. But by being still am I accepting more than I should? When speaking up and I creating even more damage? Especially when I speak up, ask questions and get hard truths I never want to accept.


Went out to dinner with MT and Justin last night, and saw MT again this afternoon. I asked the questions- he gave the answers. Can't say much more than that- but the answers were as plain as day...with alot of haze in between. Can't let go, can't hang on. I can only love...and take contrary actions if I feel funny.

Fear

Fear is something that can bring someone down in a second. I faced one of my fears yesterday by speaking publicly. I let my gaurd down...spoke from the heart and let the words just come out. I came from a place of honesty. After it was over I felt so much better once I stepped up and did it. WOW.

Funny signs

Funny...those little signs in life that let you know you are being guided. Last night my friend Donny invited me last minute to AGAPE church. I was quite ready for a quick, refreshing God lift. However, when I got there- I was tired, ready to go home, and so I snuck out of the church...tip-toed to the car...got in, started the engine and whalllaa...I was on my way...for a few feet. MY TIRE WAS FLAT! Ok God...I'm sorry for leaving church early-but no not this. There are funny signs everywhere aren't there?

the heatwave and friends

There is a massive heat-wave in Los Angeles right now. It is so hot that managing to do anything at all is a big task. Air conditioning going in car...check...fans in purse...check...sunscreen...check....big floppy hat...oh God, where is my hat??

When temperatures flare people begin to act funny, myself included. I have several projects to start...several errands to run..several things to shop for, appt.s to do. But....none the less....I am stuck in the air conditioning of my house- wishing it were cool enough outside to wear a sweater.

Wishing that the only HEAT in my life was from the spark of a new love..or an idea that will motivate me to move on work.


The heat has made my friends turn into fun kids themselves. They are all smiling as they eat popsicles, join in fun activities and bug me until I leave my retreat of a home. I love the friends in my life right now. Clare, Katey, Magan, Ashley, Rita, Margo...and even our crazy but beautiful inside and out- Toni. I don't know quite how it happened but my girlfriends are near..and they are great. The heat must have brought them out of hiding...or maybe God just knew I really needed them right now....so he raised the heat in several ways.

For whatever reason, they are here...and I am grateful.

Now...what to do about that popsicle that isn't part of the new diet.

The committee in my head

For me it's been a journey trying to put my mind, body and spirit in the right place. To fulfill my life so that I don't walk around feeling like half a circle. I think that's why I used drugs for so many years... So for now it takes contrary actions on my part to clear a path in the right spiritual direction. Not just with drugs but in life. Like tonight... I went to meet a group of my close women friends. I felt like staying home and wallowing around with "the crazy committee" in my head. Leave me alone to my own vices and I can literally go crazy. Telling myself I'm horrible, fat, unlovable, not succesful or whatever else. That "head committee" wants me to wallow and they will give me all the reasons in the world to hate myself and hate everyone else even more. But...I didn't... I got up..got dressed...(contrary action) and it was a great time. And I feel good. I feel better.

Film school starts again on tuesday-

Barbie dolls

I woke up today with alot of thought about my friends and life. I remembered back to the days I played with Barbies..pushing my well dressed Barbie in her pink corvette. Making the perfect man out of Ken, and the perfect girlfriends out of my leftover Barbies. I created the perfect scene and in it I was a star. Cut to: years later, sitting in a cafe in Los Angeles thinking about my own dreams still unfulfilled, other dreams that have already happened and dreams that have happened with my freinds. So many things have changed in my own mind on what is important, and what isn't. I still value a good pair of shoes...and still search for the perfect Ken. On the other hand..my leftover Barbie friends have become my own life-line and they are now the stars in my show.

Spiritual Void

The search and desire for some sort of spirtuality is endless. Monks have hummed thier chimes through the mountains searching for the special feeling of God, Nuns have given their own desires to feel close to the spirit, celebritys have stood at pedistools claiming their own fame was indeed given by God- and regular women like myself have desperately searched the city streets of Los Angeles in hopes that something...anything can fill my own spirtual void. What fills us up? Is it the game of trying to get what we want, and when we do we feel the spirtual up..and high we so desire? Is it in a massage by a stranger in a spa full of eucolyptis or a wave from a friend who has noticed you showed up. Where is God? What is God? And by turning my own will and life over to him can I feel full? Does that get me to heaven? Making people, places and things my own personal God has put me on a roller coaster ride to nowhere...with just enough fun and fulfillment to make me feel it's the journey instead.

Valley Heat

Today I felt like my face was melting. The heat in the valley was unbearable! I had a pretty low-key day. Pinkberry with the lovely Clare- who looks amazing even in the strictest heat. We ate our leeches and kept our eyes out for the man who we stole a parking spot from. I think both of us were looking for a little friction in the heat-- but instead he was only "slightly rude" and we continued on our way. I met with Rita and talked about the whole life experience. The search for a mother that is within us all. The need to be taken care of, held, cuddled and told that everything will work out. I left our chat with a sense of security and wonder. I felt a bit over confident perhaps because I texted Mike immediately and broke it off...telling him I needed and wanted more. I definately overstepped my comfort zone- and the results were not what I wanted. I was hoping for something else. Perhaps it's the heat, or the unfullfilled needs..or the friction I seek out- but instead I got silence... and the distinct feeling that God is watching me as the heat cools off- and that by just being myself, it will all be okay.

google

Today I woke up and rushed out to my livingroom to see if my friend Juliette had left for work. The pillows on the couch were stacked neatly...and she was gone. I loved our girl chat last night. We poured our hearts out over boys-- that think they are men. We laughed at our own insane behavior..and she went to sleep way too soon. I could have gone on forever..but it was past midnight and she has a REAL job. A sleepover that was more helpful to me than to her..and she was the one that filled the pillows with tears.


Men don't act like I would like them to in the second act. It's like a play. FIrst act is fine, second they act up...and by the third act everything has come to a complete head and I find myself running around in circles wondering how this ever happened? THis is NOT the way the play should go!

Went to lunch today with Mike. Then came home to my horrible fingers as they helplessly googled him again. Looking for something to be mad about maybe because I felt he was distracted at lunch. He probobly wasn't...maybe it was just me...but either way...I googled.. I found it...and was quite hurt about it. I don't want to ever hurt--but being hurt is something that happens in love and war. I know how paparazzi changes a story, but I felt hurt over it all the same.

I want to be loved, I want to give love...and I can't do that while directing the show. So now my silly little fingers are going to get a good beating by me. DONT GOOGLE, just trust. God has a plan for me...and I am not the one in charge of the show. My directing career in my "play of life" didn't work, so now it is in God's hands. Looking forward to a revised show.

friendship and acceptance

Today I woke up quickly and got dressed. I had three bbq's to go to. So the chase was on. I went to Jaimes first and enjoyed seeing some very special friends...and then I jetted on over to say Happy Birthday to Yvette, I went to rockstar Angelas party,and then circled the circuit again. It's nice to be included in the fun. Acceptance is a great thing. Accepting friends, and being accepted as well. I was too exhausted to continue with the party to a club..but I love that I was invited. I missed my Clare today- but am so happy she is being protected and loved by her dear friend McKenna who is back in town. She deserves the best in her friendships- for she truly gives her heart in her endevours. I think friends are priceless....acceptance is priceless as well.

Love and friends

Recieving love from friends takes skill. It is a skill I am learning...and accepting at the moment. Friendships haven't always been something I knew how to manage. That's how they started to work. I stopped trying to manage and started to have less expectation, while giving more love. It's a self seeking world, and this is a self seeking city. I love Los Angeles...but for a long time felt that I was alone with a lot of loners. Today I accept the new friends I am making, the old friends I want to keep and the love I have to give!

Bandaids

I woke up this morning and was unsure about how my day was going to go. I should have stopped and said a prayer before approaching the world....but sometimes it's easy to forget when my first focus is coffee! I went to a meeting and met with some friends, and then went to Pinkberry afterwards to share some leeches and stories with Clare. I love talking to Clare and she is one of my true friends Beautiful inside and out. Mike came over and we had a nice private chat before we both went off to live our day. He is a champion to me in alot of ways...but all champs have their bruises. I know I have mine on the inside and that we are all broken just a little. The blessing of having friends to share your bandaids with them and make life better together. People who understand where you are coming from and who don't judge you for past mistakes are a valuable asset for me.

I have alot of worry even though I shouldn't have it. I feel sometimes that worry takes over my life and it sometimes can spin out of control and I don't know how to stop it. I do the opposite actions to contradict the worry and that helps me alot. Positive actions are always a way towards serenity. So I try to keep active and not let worry take over because worrying about the future can tie you down and I don't want to miss my life.

Tonight CNN showed some more stories on Polygamy and reminded me again of where I've been..and where I am going.

Paparazzi

Being chased down by paparazzi when you are a nobody spending time with a somebody can be quite interesting. Today I went to Pinkberry with Mike, Clare and Paul. The paparazzi were chasing, but my wonderful friends didn't let it get to them. They handled it with dignity and grace. I on the other hand felt quite razzled by the whole experience. I can understand how relationships are hurt by the peering eye of a camera lens. People can't be exactly who they really are-when you have 20 camera men (women) watching you chew your leeches and green tea. Imagine spilling rasberry all over your shirt and not being able to even go home privately to change without a chase. The culture we live today is one where alot of us watch the lives of others unfold before us, rather than living our own lives. I strive to live out loud. I have spent plenty of my own time gazing upon the lives of those that I don't even know, and I much prefer living, than watching. Is this something human beings have done all along? Put those we choose up on the stand to judge, or stone, or photograph? I still judge people by the actions they take. The love they give, and truth they share with others to make this world an amazing place to live.