thinking

It's funny how sometimes I don't act as I think. I wish I could disappear into the time when I didn't overthink everything that I do. A time when I was naive and believed everything I heard. It was bliss.......but growing up and dealing with life on lifes terms is also a new way to go. I have a hard time letting go of people, places and things.

It's almost impossible if you have ever loved them. I love deeply, and romance passionately. I also act out innappropriately and my adolescence behavior overcomes me when sometimes I need to just be still. But by being still am I accepting more than I should? When speaking up and I creating even more damage? Especially when I speak up, ask questions and get hard truths I never want to accept.


Went out to dinner with MT and Justin last night, and saw MT again this afternoon. I asked the questions- he gave the answers. Can't say much more than that- but the answers were as plain as day...with alot of haze in between. Can't let go, can't hang on. I can only love...and take contrary actions if I feel funny.

Fear

Fear is something that can bring someone down in a second. I faced one of my fears yesterday by speaking publicly. I let my gaurd down...spoke from the heart and let the words just come out. I came from a place of honesty. After it was over I felt so much better once I stepped up and did it. WOW.

Funny signs

Funny...those little signs in life that let you know you are being guided. Last night my friend Donny invited me last minute to AGAPE church. I was quite ready for a quick, refreshing God lift. However, when I got there- I was tired, ready to go home, and so I snuck out of the church...tip-toed to the car...got in, started the engine and whalllaa...I was on my way...for a few feet. MY TIRE WAS FLAT! Ok God...I'm sorry for leaving church early-but no not this. There are funny signs everywhere aren't there?

the heatwave and friends

There is a massive heat-wave in Los Angeles right now. It is so hot that managing to do anything at all is a big task. Air conditioning going in car...check...fans in purse...check...sunscreen...check....big floppy hat...oh God, where is my hat??

When temperatures flare people begin to act funny, myself included. I have several projects to start...several errands to run..several things to shop for, appt.s to do. But....none the less....I am stuck in the air conditioning of my house- wishing it were cool enough outside to wear a sweater.

Wishing that the only HEAT in my life was from the spark of a new love..or an idea that will motivate me to move on work.


The heat has made my friends turn into fun kids themselves. They are all smiling as they eat popsicles, join in fun activities and bug me until I leave my retreat of a home. I love the friends in my life right now. Clare, Katey, Magan, Ashley, Rita, Margo...and even our crazy but beautiful inside and out- Toni. I don't know quite how it happened but my girlfriends are near..and they are great. The heat must have brought them out of hiding...or maybe God just knew I really needed them right now....so he raised the heat in several ways.

For whatever reason, they are here...and I am grateful.

Now...what to do about that popsicle that isn't part of the new diet.

The committee in my head

For me it's been a journey trying to put my mind, body and spirit in the right place. To fulfill my life so that I don't walk around feeling like half a circle. I think that's why I used drugs for so many years... So for now it takes contrary actions on my part to clear a path in the right spiritual direction. Not just with drugs but in life. Like tonight... I went to meet a group of my close women friends. I felt like staying home and wallowing around with "the crazy committee" in my head. Leave me alone to my own vices and I can literally go crazy. Telling myself I'm horrible, fat, unlovable, not succesful or whatever else. That "head committee" wants me to wallow and they will give me all the reasons in the world to hate myself and hate everyone else even more. But...I didn't... I got up..got dressed...(contrary action) and it was a great time. And I feel good. I feel better.

Film school starts again on tuesday-